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I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

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A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

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Hi there, what's up you guys???

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

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Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

The truth is more important than the facts.

The truth is more important than the facts.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI?!

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

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Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

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Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

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Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

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Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

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It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

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I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

I am not young enough to know everything.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Smith & Wesson ? the original point and click interface.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

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It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

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TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

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You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

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Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

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Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

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The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

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There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

The truth is more important than the facts.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

mHDBpui

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Smith & Wesson ? the original point and click interface.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

In this war ? as in others ? I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

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Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Hello! abkefgb interesting abkefgb site!

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

If a man does his best, what else is there?

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

A hen is only an egg?s way of making another egg.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist ? and better tools.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

none

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

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The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist ? and better tools.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.